Deidra | 22 | Florida
girlfriend. bartender. student. inked. jabbed. sarcastic. analytic. stoned.
So I’m sitting here browsing craigslist looking for a career change, (if you call bartending a career. whatever, its how i pay my bills) and looking up CDA certs and the process of becoming a substitute teacher and sitting next to an almost-but-not-quite-yet completed application for a school up the road and I’m just thinking…. “what the hell do i want to do with my life”.
the goal is to still go back and finish my aa in chemistry. why? i honestly dont know anymore. i guess as some sort of self satisfaction. i cant entirely say thats true. as i’ve gotten older my idea of “who i want to be in X amount of years” changes. up until i was 18 and away at college did i realize i didnt want to be a lawyer. then what was my goal? from then on i never really had one. the dream has always been to open some sort of cafe/bar whatever, but you don’t need a Bachelor’s degree from Big Name University for that dream. i’ve just been working and “living” and not really even thinking about what i’m gonna do in 5 -10 years when i’m married and if i decide to have kids. its not realistic to base my life off the idea that maybe oe day i will own a business. if you’re the entrepenua type, then maybe, but that’s not me. i’m the type to take on too many things at once just so i can thrive under the pressure of it all.
back to what i think is the main point.
as of late, (probably the last 4-6 months, i lose track of time) the goal is to finish my degree, i’m not going to get a bachelor’s after (sorry, ma) and to hopefully find a job teaching someplace. i’ve been planning to get my substitute teaching certs and do that while going back to school in the fall. sounds like a great plan right? every one is constantly telling me how having a degree in chemistry will get me so far, and i guess yeah, it could. i guess there is a high number of teachers that are teaching math and higher science classes that are unqualified for their position, so that means more job opportunities for me.
it all sounds great, right? i’ve finally got my shit together. why is it that i’m so un-passionate about it? i’m not passionate about anything. anything. I’ve been so apathetic about life for so long. I think that’s my biggest kept secret. i’m afraid that i’m going to get whatever job and be miserable the way i’m miserable now. i’m afraid that i’ll burn out and give up on that dream as well. like what the hell is wrong with me that i cant just make up my mind and actually do something beneficial for my life? i cant even see myself in three years, let alone five to ten. i could see myself in a year, working at the same hell that sucks my every being out now, but that’s not where i want to be, and that is the only thing i do know. i would quit my job tomorrow if i had a means, monetarily.
is this normal 22 year old shit? i feel like i’m the only one.
i love playing gta5 online so much.
i will kill all of you.
this shit pisses me off because I don’t know about you but I’ve always heard it called/called it “the Sahara”
I was talking to this guy at the bar today about communism and Marxism and our government and my opinions on how I agree with some points in both philosophies and this and that and his argument against me was “but then there is no originality or individuality” and I’m just like HAVE YOU SEEN TODAYS SOCIETY WE’RE ALL THE SAME EVERYONE IS THE SAME EVEN IF YOU’RE “DIFFERENT” YOU’RE ALL THE SAME SHADE OF “DIFFERENT” AND WHAT IS INDIVIDUALITY AND WHO IS ORIGINAL EVERYTHING IS A COPY OF A COPY but I don’t say any of that I smile and nod and say “yeah” and then I’m here